Great one liners from Tommy Cooper.

‘So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘ I’m not stopping you.’

Went to the paper shop – it had blown away

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’

A man walked into the doctor’s, The doctor said ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time’
The man replied, ‘I know I’ve been ill’

A man walked into the doctor’s, he said ‘ I’ve hurt my arm in several places’
The doctor said ‘well don’t go there any more’

‘So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’

‘So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘ Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘ It depends where you’re calling from.’

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.